Not A Fairytale
Once upon a time, there was a little girl, born in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in the wrong family, or so she thought back then.
She had a golden heart, was filled with kindness and love, but the people around her were dark and gray, they did not believe in happiness and love.
Every day they taught her to be angry, sad, scared. She was little but in her heart she knew this was wrong, she was too afraid to voice it out.
With time the abuse and anger became unbearable towards her and her mother, she forgot herself and was convinced that this is how the world operates. She needs to grow up and try to atleast protect her mother, who seemed to be much weaker than her.
She got used to the fear and anger. It was everywhere in everyone and withinn her.
At the age of 12 she was already physically sick and mentally exhausted. Thoughts of suicide and self-harm were constant occurrence, but she never acted, she saw her weak mother as someone she needs to cure and help. Helping her mother was a task above all, she blamed herself for her mother’s state.
She knew things have to change, she started to go to church almost every day. The priest spoke of forgiving those who harmed and letting go of the past. Its always easier said than done, it wasn’t explained to her how exactly to achieve that or to stop it from repeating.
Why should I do that she questioned?
In her eyes that only made her weaker than she already felt. To her, religion was a disappointment because no one could help or protect her.
Her health was getting worst, the doctors didnt know why and her mother was getting worst too.
She turned to Eastern philosophies for answers and remedies to help her mother.
There she read ” Before you help others, you must help yourself”
She then understood ” I need to be strong myself and happy so I can help my mother”
She was a teenager, armed with the understanding that she should be numb to pain and be happy, she began a new life. She really wanted to make things work this time, the pain of the past was dissipating or so she thought and if it wasn’t, the good old “I will deal with it later” was always available.
Full of love for life she began exploring, nevertheless, the darkness inside forgotten but not gone, led to events that changed her forever and took away her child like happiness and innocence.
Bad things kept repeating, she escaped death few times, and from a loving and curious child, she became heavy with burdens that were not hers, experiences she should never had and fear and anger that was too much to handle.
She hated, she didnt forgive anyone, she wished the death of others, she wished her own death as well.
This girl is a grown up woman now, looking back sometimes she wonders how did she survive all this ?
She now knows that this little girl and the young woman always kept a little golden piece in their heart that lead them to their survival while surrounded by negativity and dark vicious cycle. That small golden piece helped reminding them “this anger and hate is not you”
They were too young to understand, they just numbed their hearts in order to survive, they pushed away love and didnt trust anyone.
A day came when the woman realized that there is no way someone can have a fulfilled life this way, it was time to face the past.
She backpacked and traveled the world for few years, with no roots and few belongings she went to Holly places, met enlightened beings. She did a lot of self reflecting and meditation. Little by little the pain and poison within was dissapearing, she felt lighter and lighter.
She was studying ancient techniques of self realization, including a powerful technique where one must ask the question “who am I “ over and over again.
She started seeing herself separate from the pain and the experiences, until one day she did a powerful secret meditation that brought her into a state close to “samhadi”
In that state, she saw the pureness and innocence within herself, she couldnt believe it, it was always there, never lost, the golden piece in her heard began growing and growing and she realized that she has always been a beautiful being of the light.
She believes this “samhadi” state was a present from her own self to herself , so she would never forget her true golden nature.
She no longer wanted to live in the past, it was dragging her down and clouding her judgment, she wanted to live in the now, fully, experiencing every second, she understood that she has been keeping her own self prisoner. That made a difference, she got out of the dark circle and was given a chance to be in the light again.